Am I The Problem In My Relationship?

A 20-Question Self-Reflection Tool from RealLoveTips.com

This self-assessment tool is designed for honest reflection on your communication, emotional patterns, and contribution to conflict, guiding you toward healthier relationship habits.

1. When my partner is talking about something serious, how often do I actively listen without preparing my rebuttal?

Almost never; I’m focused on what I want to say next. Sometimes, but I often interrupt or rush them. Almost always; I try to fully understand their perspective first.

2. How quickly do I apologize and take ownership when I realize I’ve hurt my partner’s feelings?

I avoid apologizing or only apologize to end the argument. I apologize, but I often include a ‘but’ or justification. I apologize sincerely and clearly take full responsibility for my actions.

3. When discussing responsibilities (chores, finances), do I approach it as a joint effort?

I feel like I’m doing the majority and hold resentment. We divide tasks, but I often micromanage or complain about their method. We communicate clearly about expectations and share the workload fairly.

4. Do I bring up past mistakes or failures during current arguments to gain an advantage?

Yes, frequently, as ‘evidence’ during a fight. Sometimes, if the current fight reminds me of a previous issue. No, I try to keep the focus only on the issue at hand.

5. When I am upset, do I use silence, avoidance, or passive-aggressive behavior to communicate my feelings?

Yes, I often shut down or punish my partner with silence. Occasionally, when I feel too overwhelmed to talk directly. No, I clearly express my feelings and needs using ‘I’ statements.

6. How often do I blame external factors or my partner for my own unhappiness or stress?

Frequently; I struggle to separate my emotions from the relationship. Sometimes, especially when I feel overwhelmed by life. Rarely; I recognize my own emotional responsibility.

7. When I feel emotionally overwhelmed, do I take a break or do I escalate the situation?

I usually escalate, often raising my voice or saying hurtful things. I try to stop, but usually only after the argument has gotten heated. I proactively call a time-out to cool down before continuing the discussion.

8. How important is it for me to ‘win’ an argument?

Very important; I feel defeated if my partner doesn’t concede. Somewhat; I prefer to win, but peace is more important. Not important; the goal is mutual understanding and resolution.

9. Do I openly share my fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities with my partner?

No, I keep them hidden and maintain an emotional distance. Occasionally, but only after a lot of prompting from them. Yes, I believe in emotional intimacy and mutual openness.

10. Do I frequently compare my relationship to others, or idealize how things ‘should’ be?

Yes, I often focus on what we lack compared to others. Sometimes, but I try to remind myself that every relationship is different. No, I focus on appreciating and improving the relationship we have.

11. How do I react when my partner expresses a need for personal time, hobbies, or friendships outside the relationship?

I feel insecure, rejected, or express disapproval of their choices. I accept it, but often make them feel guilty or obligated to me later. I support their independence and recognize its importance to their well-being.

12. Do I assume I know my partner’s thoughts or feelings without asking them?

Yes, I often rely on assumptions and then get angry when I’m wrong. Sometimes, but I try to correct myself and ask for clarification. No, I always ask clarifying questions to ensure I understand them correctly.

13. Do I prioritize my partner’s preferences and comfort over my own on a regular basis?

Yes, I constantly compromise my own needs, leading to resentment. Sometimes, but I’m learning to find a better balance. We strive for a balance where both of our needs are valued and met.

14. When my partner is excited about something that doesn’t interest me, how do I react?

I dismiss it or make it clear I’m not interested. I listen but don’t show much genuine enthusiasm. I show genuine interest in their joy and ask questions about it.

15. Do I trust my partner and avoid checking their phone, emails, or social media?

No, I frequently check their devices or question their private messages. I don’t check their devices, but I still feel persistent suspicion. Yes, I trust my partner completely and respect their privacy.

16. How often do I work on my own personal development (therapy, self-help, hobbies) independently of the relationship?

Rarely; I expect the relationship to fulfill all my needs. Occasionally, but I often give it up when the relationship is smooth. Regularly; I believe in being a whole, independent person in the relationship.

17. Do I assume my partner should know what I need without me telling them?

Yes, I believe if they truly loved me, they’d just know. Sometimes, but I usually manage to communicate my needs after some frustration. No, I clearly and kindly articulate my needs and desires.

18. How frequently do I express gratitude or appreciation for the things my partner does?

Rarely; I tend to focus more on what’s missing or wrong. Occasionally, but mostly for big things, not day-to-day efforts. Daily, for both big and small actions, making sure they feel seen.

19. Do I avoid making firm decisions about the future of the relationship (e.g., commitment, moving, next steps)?

Yes, I resist commitment and keep my options open, which causes instability. Sometimes, I delay decisions, but I eventually address them. No, I discuss the future openly and align my actions with our shared goals.

20. Am I willing to seek professional help (counseling or therapy) if my partner suggests it?

No, I believe it’s a sign of failure or that the problem is entirely theirs. I would consider it, but I’d be very reluctant and hesitant. Yes, I see it as a valuable tool for growth and strengthening the relationship.

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